Memory

It hurts to miss someone (or someplace, or something). Yesterday I watched a Thai movie, The Letter, and I missed Thailand so bad that it was almost like Thailand had died and wasn't coming back. It drives me crazy because right now I can't go back (and probably won't be able to go back for at least a few more years). And even if I did return, it wouldn't be the same. I think memories become more potent over time. Mine do, at least. And it's the memories that I'm after, the experiences I had over there and the feelings I felt and everything that made it so special to me. But I think much of the power of it comes from being just that: a memory. See, during my mission there were a few times where I missed BYU really bad and couldn't wait to get back (mainly towards the end). Now that I've been back for three semesters, it doesn't feel so special anymore. It's like the present has to become the past for it to take on those ethereal qualities that make it so sweet when you look back. And yet you can't live in the past or you won't have any present to become your past. I remember reading something in C.S. Lewis's Out of the Silent Planet about memories growing sweeter over time and that they have to stay in the past to retain their sweetness. Trying to live them over again doesn't do any good. I suppose that's true -- when I do go back to Thailand, I can't go to recapture the past and to relive my memories. I have to go to forge new ones, different experiences that will in their own time become memories just as sweet as the old ones.

I think (and hope) that heaven is going to feel like sweet memories, except it'll be in the present and not only in the past. But that's just my opinion. :)